I Hate Marriage and I Blame Women
A friend of mine recently posted a now deleted quote from a male author who was expressing his disdain for marriage, outrightly blaming the failure of these partnerships on women being “too much” and taking everything (physical and financial assets) in a divorce. While there were so many things wrong with the quote itself (I wish I retrieved it), the co-signs by mostly men and a few questionable women were louder than the opposition. The flames of ignorance moved so rapidly about the post that three times I thought to myself, “You can just stop, drop, and roll on to something else on your feed for safety,” but this fire was too wild and I went in there like a captain, ready to save these “hoes”! I hosed down that comment section with my long-ass paragraph of common sense, a reality check, and some good old facts, and, to my surprise, I had bodies — live ones. Like after like, co-sign after co-sign, I wanted all the smoke and eventually there was a little less fire. I honestly didn’t say anything profound. I just knew that, where truth was worth protecting, I had to suit up and take the heat. And yes, I was successful in putting out the fire, but not without starting another one: accountability.
Marriage is not for everyone; I agree, but reasons matter. And the deflection and negativity that so many people express towards the institution is actually a reflection of an individual problem; we do not sufficiently hold ourselves accountable. Below, I attempt to succinctly summarize four ways you can shift your thinking on marriage. I caution you that my position is not to convince you that spousal relationships are for you. Rather, it is to assist you in finding more sound reasoning for why it is not.
Stop making excuses
One of the first defense mechanisms asserted by individuals who oppose marriage is the divorce rate. The Canadian divorce rate is about over 40% per annum and the American divorce rate is about 50% and rising. The oppositionists usually put themselves in the category of the failed fifty percent, seemingly missing the part where they have some autonomy over where they fall in the statistics. Here’s my question: If you had a fifty percent chance to make it to the NBA, would you put yourself in the category of the fifty percent who wouldn’t make it or would you optimize your chance of being among the demographic who did? Certainly there is a prerequisite, a type of readiness or DNA that one must possess to land in the favour of probability. So, the divorce rate really isn’t the issue, your marriage DNA is.
Another excuse people make for talking down the institution is that their parents are divorced, they have generations of failed marriages, or lots of people who are married are emotionally divorced and unhappy. My question: what does that have to do with you? If anything, that should prompt you into a posture of learning and unlearning. The source of your contention is your character, not the character of those around you. Personally, if I’m working on a problem with a series of error messages, knowing all the wrong answers gets me that much closer to the right one.
We also have to acknowledge that we presently live in a world that promotes emotional intelligence, the independent woman, the normalization of therapy, and outspoken differences — all things that were not readily available to our parents and our parents’ parents. We are capable of doing better than they did, but of course excuses are much easier than accountability.
Work on yourself
I don’t know how else to preach this sermon other than saying that if you don’t know how to love yourself, you won’t know how to love others. Bell Hooks, in her book, All About Love, stresses that we are not born knowing how to love, but rather that we respond to care and invest feelings and emotions into the people we are most deeply drawn to. What that ultimately means is we have to put in work to figure it out. She uses Erich Fromm’s definition of love as a starting point:
According to Fromm, “love is the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth”.
In other words, you have to choose to act on the intention to grow spiritually (inward). We all have baggage, and relationships won’t alleviate them. But if you are actively working daily to enhance your spiritual growth, you open up yourself to loving you first and then others. Working on yourself can take many different forms. Some examples include choosing careers that are emotionally fulfilling, managing your physical health through diet and exercise, learning how to effectively communicate with yourself (being honest about your strengths and weaknesses, fears and indiscretions) and with others, forming meaningful relationships with family and friends, and seeking therapy when an issue exceeds your intelligence. My question for you then is, are you cultivating a character or self-concept that is compatible enough with lifetime partnership? If you don’t like being around you, sincerely, why would you subject someone to that in a marriage? Surely, when they discover the real you, that may force you both into the wrong 50 percent of the statistic.
Seek Guidance
Get help, fam! Okay, so my immediate family does not have within it, great examples of successful marriages, but that has never hindered my ability to conceptualize one for myself. There’s value in experienced information. I enjoy talking to older married couples and they serve as a great resource for various forms of relationships. Our senior citizens have no filter and they love company. So, they have time to indulge you, they’ll humble you quickly, and they’ll tell you to stop glamorizing marriage. That’s one of the biggest issues with my generation and wedlock — our vision lacks realism. Realness in a microwave generation is like fitting a square peg in a round hole. Marriage doesn’t have a frozen food isle. You have to cook that stuff from scratch with raw ingredients, and some of those ingredients stink on their own or they’re slimy and unpleasant, but together, they make a well-cooked meal. I digress.
Seek guidance from individuals who have successful marriages. And for people who are spiritual like myself, turn to the ultimate guide, the creator, God. If your vertical relationship is thriving, you’ll have access to the highest form of discretion in your horizontal ones. So, are you actively looking for better examples of marriage or are you engaged in the oppressive cycle of confirmation bias?
Choose better partners
I am pro-choice, always, but not without acknowleding that every choice has consequence. The issue people miss with failed marriages is that they assume that everyone chooses correctly when they decide to get married. The reality is, if someone is wrong for you while you’re dating them, they’re going to be wrong for you at the altar and they’re going to continue being wrong for you for the duration of your marriage. Sure, you can “make things work” for a time and to be fair, you’ll spend a lot of that time convincing yourself you’re happy or you’ll perform marriage, but at some point it comes to a head and it’s unfortunate when that head comes after 25 years. Thankfully, that’s not everyone’s story and it doesn’t have to be yours. The important thing here is you get to have a say. This is on YOU! What kind of partner are you looking for? What kind of women or men do you date now and what do your choices reveal about YOU? The qualities you deem important, are they? How do those qualities play out twenty years from now? How do those qualities impede your ability to be selfless? And fundamentally, would you choose yourself if you were you? Let me save you some trouble. You cannot change people without their sincere consent. If something bothers you now and you cannot look past it, it will bother you later. My rule of thumb: If you wouldn’t marry that person today with that fundamental flaw (operative word being, fundamental), you’re pissing on the bark of a divorce tree by choosing to remain on a marital path. Be selective and honest, always. It may hurt now, but it will hurt more later if you are not.
Before we are partners, we are individuals. Do some accounting on yourself and, as my Trini sister, Solange, says, “Maths it out!” If marriage is not for you because you wouldn’t be happy in any life-long partnership that’s fine. But if marriage isn’t for you because you’re too lazy to do better, say that instead!
